Love and Ketchup
by Bear5
Summary: (AU) Love comes to both Inuyasha and Miroku, but both in very different ways...ONESHOT, NO FLAMES PLEASE!


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This is meant to be a humorous story, so no flames! IT was an experiment between a friend of mine and myself.

Kitty "Yes! I'm a friend!"

Bear "No you're not, shut up!"

Disclaimer- L I DON'T OWN HIM! DAMN IT!!!!

Kitty "Bear...don't use that kind of language…we know you love him and all…but GET OVER IT!!!"

Bear "…DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU"RE TALKING ABOUT??!!!! It's INUYASHA! What girl in her right mind WOULDN'T WANT HIM!"

Kitty "Me…he's a FREAK!!! Demons are…"

Bear "Don't say it! I don't wanna hear it!"

Kitty "GAY!"

Bear "AHHH!!!"

Kitty "All your little girly crushes are STUPID! I love Elijah Wood…*COUGH*"

Bear "…" "…" "…well then…"

Kitty "Shut up, you FREAK!"

Bear *sigh* "Please excuse Kitty, she's…well, she's new."

Kitty '-.-' *growl*

Bear "Anyway, this is the beginning…I decided to go ahead with it because we could argue pointlessly all day (about who's best, anyway)."

Kitty *Mumbles something about Frodo* "

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Bear **wink, wink** "Let us begin now, shall we?"

Kitty "Porn ROCKS!"

Real Kitty "Bear…you whore…you shouldn't be talking like that in front of all these people"

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Bear "OK! Seriously now…on with the story…"

A long, long time ago, there were a couple of girls arguing pointlessly about two guys…

Kitty "That just happened, you idiot!"

Bear "SHUT UP!! I'm trying to tell it!"

Kitty o.O "O…k."

A long, long time ago, there were a couple of girls arguing pointlessly about two guys. 

"INUYASHA'S BETTER!"

"NO WAY, Miroku's way better!"

"Girls, get back to work! I'm not paying you to entertain the customers!"

"You mean customer?" Sango stated slyly. They all looked over at the lonely old man sitting in the corner booth. His hand was shaking so badly that coffee was all over the table, and he purposely averted his eyes ANYWHERE but where they were.

"Yeah, yeah, customer. Kagome and Sango…get to work NOW!"

The two young waitresses continued to clean up the rest of the tables. They were hesitant to approach the aged man, because they feared him ever since he went insane and shot that elephant…long ago…

Kitty "You mean 'shot the deer'"

Bear "Shut up!!! I'M TELLING THE STORY! Ahem…anyway…"

The bothersome duo calmly slinked toward to table of the elderly man. As they were wiping up his mess, he winked at Kagome.

"That's it! You're out, buster. I think you've had enough to drink."

"Kagome, you're overacting again. This is why we don't have any customers."

Kagome mutters under her breath, "Shush up, Sango."

The not-getting-any-younger-man left with much more gusto than he came in with.

"Come again," cheerfully cried Kagome. She waved as if nothing at all had happened. She was kind of delusional.

Sango said, "You need to stop freakin' out or you won't be ready for our double date."

"I know, I'm so excited. I love Inuyasha soo much."

"I feel the same way about Miroku. His intentions are so pure, it's scary."

*~*~*^_^*~*~*

"I'm gonna get laid tonight," sings Miroku. "Sango is like putty in my hand."

"Don't you have any respect for the girls? They've got morals, unlike you, you stupid lecher."

"I'm insulted. Do you honestly think I don't have any morals?"

Inuyasha stares with a dumbfounded look upon his face. "…Yes."

"You're just jealous of my masculinity."

The half demon stares blankly, "Yes, I am so very jealous of you."

"Would you like to buy some flowers, young men? They're cheap." The street vendor smiles widely to try to make a sale.

"No, thank you ma'am, I'm taken."

Inuyasha hits him over the head, "You monk…she didn't mean it like that." Turning his attention to the merchant, "Yes, ma'am, I would love some flowers."

"Good idea, we can both get laid tonight if you have flowers working on your side."

"I have no intentions of sleeping with Kagome tonight, and if Sango hears you making suggestive remarks against her she'll eat you alive."

"Hmmm…indeed. I guess I will behave myself until we get there."

Inuyasha paid for the flowers, and upon hearing Miroku's stomach growl deeply, he decided it was time to go bother the girls. "Come on, Miroku, let's get you something to eat. You're making my ears hurt." His ears twitch madly to emphasize his point.

"Very well, I wonder how crowded the restaurant is at this time of day." They headed downtown to see what the girls happened to be doing at this time of the day.

*~*~*^_^*~*~*

"You fruit, you broke the cup!"

"I don't want to hear it, Kagome. You've broken five dishes today and this is the first time I've broken anything!"

"Except your cherry." She added sweetly.

Sango's expression became horrified. "KAGOME! What the hell are you talking about?!!!"

"HEY!" The boss walked back into the room and gazed around a restaurant somewhat full of mortified people. "You two are scaring the customers! If you don't knock it off, you'll be fired!"

Sango suppressed a laugh, but Kagome responded kindly. "Yes, sir."

Giving them a final glare, the boss marched back into his office. The customers all jumped when the door gave a large crack as it slammed shut.

Sango finally gave a snort of laughter and had to shove the back of her hand against her mouth. Kagome shook her head in embarrassment. "Sometimes, Sango, I wonder about you."

"You're not the only one." Inuyasha stated, closing the door behind him. Miroku had already grabbed Sango and pulled her into a crushing hug.

"Sango, I've missed you!" He chimed.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Can you do something with him? He's been like that all day, and I'm about ready to give him up for adoption."

Kagome sighed. "Can't talk now, boys, we've got customers. Go sit at a table and we'll serve you."

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't care, go sit down."

"What if I want to stand here? The _customer_ is always right, remember?"

Sango laughed. "Kagome and I didn't pay attention to that video, Inuyasha."

Kagome grabbed his shoulder and hauled him (kicking and screaming) to a table. She made him sit down and Miroku slowly joined on the other side. "Now, you boys decide what you want and then holler for me when you're ready."

Kagome and Sango walk away, and Kagome hadn't taken two steps before she heard a loud "HEY! I'M READY TO ORDER, HERE! HOW _DARE_ YOU WALK AWAY FROM THE CUSTOMER?!"

She sighed and continued to walk into the kitchen. A few minutes later, she returned with a bread basket and ketchup. She shoved the plate in front of him and placed her hand on her hips. "There, now take a bread stick and SHOVE IT."

Miroku smiled joyfully. "Yay! You remembered! Ketchup!"

Inuyasha rolled his eyes childishly and crossed his arms to pout. "I don't eat this shit. WHERE'S my Ramen?!"

"It's COOKING, you moron. I can't believe you, coming in here and making such a racket!" At her remark, the entire restaurant empties, and Kagome prays that her boss doesn't come out and notice.

Inuyasha stares at her for a minute, resisting the urge to smirk arrogantly at making her yell. Instead, he settled for stuttering. "Well…you…just shut up!"

"I'll be BACK, your majesty." She then curtsied sarcastically and as she turned around to leave, she managed to kick Inuyasha's knee from under the table.

"HEY!" He stands up and smirks evilly. "I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER! THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO TREAT YOUR BEST CUSTOMER!"

Sango walked out holding a tray with Inuyasha's bowl of Ramen. Miroku didn't need anything else; he was perfectly fine with the ketchup, and he seemed to be so absorbed in it that he was drawing war paint on his face. Sango wanted to turn right back around in embarrassment for even considering dating this man.

Kagome's eyes lit up at the sight of the Ramen and an evil idea formed in her head. Just as Inuyasha turned to get seated again so he could eat (forgetting about the argument they had just had at the sight of Ramen), Kagome knocked the bowl off into his lap and smirked evilly.

"Oppsie."

"AHH! Shit, IT BURNS! OW! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR, WENCH?!"

"Don't call me that!" She rolled her eyes, afraid that now her boss would come out and fire her for making Inuyasha scream like a girl. "Come on, Inuyasha, we'll go get that cleaned up."

Grumbling the whole way, he stood and held his hands out to the side, watching the way his pants stuck to his now wet thighs. When they were a good distance away from the laughing Sango and lecher, he whispered dangerously at her. "I can't believe you just did that to me. You are SO gonna pay."

Kagome smirked. "Now, now, sir, no need for revenge. It was an accident, after all."  
"Accident my ass, I saw that look in your eyes before you spilt it all over me!" Now in the kitchen, Kagome turned and gave him quite the icy glare.

"It's YOUR fault, you could have gotten me fired! I'm already on thin ice with my boss, and he's now in his office, doing GOD knows what, probably waiting until closing to fire me!"

"Yea, you're probably right." He chuckled.

"Hey! SHUT UP!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NOO!" He got closer to her, right up to the point of where he was snarling in her face, pressing her against the counter in the empty kitchen.

"Inuyasha, you are such a bastard! I have work to do, so stand still."

"No."  
"YES!"

"NO!"

"NO? What, are you INSANE!"

"Yes, actually, I think that you've finally driven me to the point of insanity."

"You freak!"

"Bitch!"

"Shut up!"

"Are you as turned on as I am?" He asked huskily.

"More." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately on his cheek, purposely missing his mouth.

He growled deeply in response. "I'm not the monk, you know. You don't have to avoid me."

"I know, I just want to keep this pure."

"Screw 'pure,'" Inuyasha throws her up onto the counter and madly tears off her uniform with his claws. "Darn clothes."

"Oh, puppy, you're so silly." She said playfully ruffling his ears. She forgot completely that she didn't even own the outfit and that her boss was going to kill her when he found out.

"PUPPY? You wench."

"Oh, just shut up and kiss me."

At this, he grabbed her leg and wrapped it around his hot thighs. He had never wanted anyone so bad before and for once knew he was in love. Not puppy love (**A/N-hehe, no pun intended**), no, this was the kind that would have him coming to her house every night, just to piss her off and end up in this situation.

"Aww…that's so cute," said Sango as she and Miroku were spying outside the door. She currently ignored every customer who walked into the restaurant to see what her friend was up to.

"Don't worry, my darling. We will never be parted. We will be together forever. I love you," muttered Miroku in a strange girly voice.

Sango, thinking he was talking to her, turned around to smile at him. To her surprise he wasn't even looking at her. He had his back turned to the door and was currently holding a breadstick smothered in ketchup, almost worshiping it as he gently licked it.

"You whore."

"What?" He said surprised to find that he was being watched.

**(A/N-I would put a true lemon here, but Kitty is kicking and screaming that she wants it to end. *Ducks from the flying tomatoes* SORRY!)**

After they had finished, Inuyasha removed the article of clothing that he had stuffed in Kagome's mouth to keep her quiet. He smirked at her at her expression of pure bliss. "Geez, Kagome, maybe you should spill things on me more often."

Kagome laughed tiredly and she arranged her towel around her waist. "Noted." She said quietly. "I can't believe you ripped my uniform. I'll be fired for sure tomorrow."

He shrugged as he adjusted his pants back into place. "All well, more time you can spend with me."

Suddenly, his ears picked up the noise of hysterical laughter from the other side of the door. He growled deeply, rolling up his sleeves in preparation to kick some lecherous ass. He opened the door and growled, but the sight made him laugh as well.

Sango happened to be laughing at Miroku, who had dropped the breadstick on the floor and was now currently licking it up, tears of horror running down his face. "I'm so sorry!" He was screaming as he continued, and by now Inuyasha had doubled over in joyous laughter.

Yep, today was _definitely_ his day. He couldn't wait for Miroku to come out of his ketchup-loving state so that he could tease him about not getting laid.

Naturally, Kagome would never hear about it, because she would end up arguing with him and pushing him into another heated argument.

He looked up in thought. Then again, that sounded like a plan…

*~*~*^_^*~*~*

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Author's NOTE-Please don't flame me for this, this was an idea that me and my friend, stereotypical kitty, had decided to create. I'm teaching her to love our favorite characters, she's still hasn't gotten that far into it because she's obsessed with Lord Of the Rings.

KITTY-"HECK YEA! ELIJAH WOOD ROCKS!"

BEAR ^_^ Thanks for reading! Review (please?)


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